Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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