you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How does one acquire holy water?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
