dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
