just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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