even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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