fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
