I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
