I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
