I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
