I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
