Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
