we're chasing vodka with high fives
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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