I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
