I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
