I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
