I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
