He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
