Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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