why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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