She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
