yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
