when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
They have beer where we have blood.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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