I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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