I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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