Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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