I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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