Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
