so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
