do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
vagina is talking i cant
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
