you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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