Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
