I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
