I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
