i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
what day is it and did you see me today?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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