Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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