I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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