you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
