Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
