Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
