I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
