Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
