I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
