When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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