At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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