her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
