I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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