either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
