My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
bring money and cleavage
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
