Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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