There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
