just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
