You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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